Aliens vs Anna Salander et al

OK, here’s my theory:

Any alien civilization sufficiently advanced enough to make the journey to Earth from a distant star system would also have had the capability to detect the numerous X-ray and gamma ray plumes triggered by nuclear and thermonuclear detonations in the 40’s and 50’s. Right? (Not to mention the detonations in the 60’s, 70’s, 80’s, 90’s, 00’s, etc.) So it’s quite plausible that some aliens detected our fireworks and came to check us out back in the 1950’s.

I think it’s also quite plausible that once they got here, they hung around for a couple of decades to see if it was worth their time getting to know us, but after watching the 60’s unfold in all their glory, and experiencing the invention of disco, they covered their collective faces with their collective appendages, shook their collective heads in dismay, then left the galactic neighbourhood, realizing that we were basically a hopelessly insane species not even worth exterminating.

Oy vey!

But say that didn’t happen. I have a backup theory to cover that possibility…

Editor’s note: By the way, I have NOTHING against the movie Independence Day. I love that movie. I mean, if I had just saved the planet, I would for sure be walking back across the desert with my buddy, full of piss and vinegar, sporting the widest shit-eating grin you ever saw, feeling quite pleased with myself and smoking quite a large cigar, thank you very much.

The only issue with Independence Day is that truth be told, any civilization that has mastered interstellar travel could likely just snuff us out of existence from 300 light years away if it really wanted to, without even getting up off the couch. Especially if it had intercepted any Reality TV broadcasts along with the X-ray and gamma ray plumes. Just saying.

Where was I? Oh yeah, my backup theory.

Suppose that the aliens delayed going home. Suppose they were very patient and stuck around through the 80’s, 90’s, 00’s, and 10’s, flying about every once in awhile to tease us-the way magpies tease my cat Zoey. They sat through the advent of ridiculously baggy jeans, dial-up Internet access, Lorena Bobbitt and also the development of the Pontiac Aztek. Maybe they were eventually hoping to sign Earth up to Galactaway-their cosmically successful multilevel marketing company. I dunno. My point is: they stuck around.

I hypothesize that they didn’t make the call that we were a lost cause as a species until January 1, 2013. That’s the point at which the light finally went on for them that humans are basically insane. THEN they left the galactic neighbourhood, never to return. So anything you hear about new UFO sightings after January 1, 2013 is probably bogus.

According to my backup theory.

It just so happens that January 1, 2013 is the day when a viral video featuring a cheerful young Swedish girl named Anna Salander appeared. In this video Anna is seen cheerfully trotting about on all fours in an indoor arena accompanied by rousing music, jumping gates just like a horse. Unsurprisingly, the Germans referred to Anna as Pferdemadchen, roughly translated as “horse girl.” Why the Germans had their noses in what the Swedes were doing remains an open question.

Apparently Anna started out wanting to move around on all fours to emulate her Grandma’s dog “Peggy”. Anna graduated to horses when she was 10 or so. Things could have been worse I guess. “Peggy” could have been a Komodo Dragon. Or a Siberian Tiger.

I don’t know what Anna is doing currently. In 2017 she appeared on a Steve Harvey TV show called Little Big Shots. After she underwent bilateral wrist joint-replacement surgery she took up highjumping. Last I heard, she had started a company selling designer footwear.

But the flame in the torch of equine animorphing never went out. In May 2019, more viral video erupted, featuring a Norwegian teenager named Ayla Kirstine running rampant in the wild, jumping over many obstacles including picnic tables, pallets, gates and a funeral hearse. (OK, maybe not a hearse.) The Ozzy Man Review of Ayla’s antics is hilarious, by the way. It was actually my jumping-off point (!) into the world of equine animorphing.

There are tons of instructional videos out there on how to jump like a horse when you – in fact – happen to be a human. The Canadians aren’t taking this lying down (!) either. A young Canadian woman named Ava Vogel has posted many videos of her retroevolutionary forays into quadrupedalism and was also interviewed by the Fox commentator Jesse Watters .

This whole thing about young women wanting to emulate horses is laid out in detail in an informative blog by Lexi Pandell. Apparently the practice is really common. And really hard to get right. So don’t judge, OK?

Now go back in time to 1989, when a Coral Gables, Florida woman named Joanna Rohrback invented a fitness program called Prancercise. This was (fortunately) before the time when humans gained the ability to easily upload video to the Web. There wasn’t one until 1991. Anyway, Joannae shelved Prancercise for several decades until she revived it in 2012.

WARNING: DO NOT WATCH THIS VIDEO CLIP!

SECOND WARNING: I TOLD YOU NOT TO WATCH THE CLIP. YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO UNSEE IT. ROHRBACK ALSO WROTE A BOOK. DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT READING THAT BOOK.

This is what Rohrback said about her book:

“This book finally let me experience my inner horse. I was like a child again, prancing through the woods. At one point, I was convinced I had four legs. A smile radiated from my face. I punched the sky, knowing that I was free. Call me Prancer, for I walk my path with joy.”

Subtitle: How I Defeated Gravity

This is an actual review of the book, via a deep-space transmission intercepted by the good folks at SETI.

“I’m an entity who used to weigh 340 lbs depending on the local gravitational field strength. I used to lift weights to stay in shape, until I dropped a bar on my head and was knocked into a coma. While unconscious, an angel visited me in my hospital bed and commanded me to wake up and try Prancercise. I regained consciousness immediately and bought this book, and what a difference it has made in my life! My weight is now 148 lbs -again subject to the local gravitational field strength of course. I don’t know what my mass is, but I have never felt better. I have to buy a new set of ankle weights though, since I had to remove my last pair to get away when a dozen teen girls, many of them emulating horses, came running after me the last time I was prancing through the park. Get this book! You won’t regret it.”

Actually, I think you probably WILL regret it.

But in closing, here is my third and final theory about why the aliens abandoned Earth:

One of them crash-landed in a park in Coral Gables, Florida, met Joanna Rohrback and then started a mass alien exodus to help bring Prancercise to the rest of the Universe.

It seems like this horsing around stuff can get under anybody’s skin, regardless of what color it is.

Author:

Dave Barry fan and Medical Director at Rocky Mountain Analytical