A few days ago I was sitting here scratching my head about: (a) What to write for this post and (b) What I was going to get people for Christmas. I was pretty much drawing a blank on both fronts so I decided to tackle (a) first. So I went down the Florida Man road -which is to say that I typed the date and the words “Florida Man” into the search bar on my browser to see what would come up. Alert readers and native Floridians know that this is a tried and true strategy because there is ALWAYS some weird and improbable stuff going on in Florida every day of the year.
Sure enough, Florida Man returned a brief news item about Darrell Davidson, a yelling, belligerent, man who broke open the door of a woman’s house, came in, sat on her couch, asked for water and also “something to smoke”. It’s unclear if he knew the owner but apparently he lived nearby and was compelled to break into her house because he had been inexplicably seized by a spontaneous urge to warn her that she was in danger. Yeah, in danger of having her front door broken down. It’s also unclear whether Mr. Davidson smoked anything and if so, what was it? If he did inhale, unlike at least one past U.S. President, it didn’t seem to help his state of mind; he resumed yelling, once again became belligerent, then left the house. At least he didn’t break anything else. Unsurprisingly, Davidson wound up in the slammer charged with criminal mischief and a slightly droopy left eyelid.
When I finished reading that news item, by happy coincidence up popped an ad featuring the following link: 25 Incredible Gadgets That Are Going To Sell Out. I scrolled through the 25 incredible gadgets and on the way I realized that I had enough material to put together the 5th Annual Lateral Thinking Department Guide to Christmas Gift-Giving!
It’s about time. The 4th Annual Guide was written on December 18, 2018. (For some reason, there was no 1st, 2nd or 3rd Annual Guide. Don’t ask me why.) But better late than never. Speaking of being late, there are only 22 shopping days left until Black Friday and exactly four shopping weeks more until Christmas Day.
Speaking of shopping, it seems that more and more of our attention (and $$) is being taken up each year with overheated marketing cycles featuring lawn ornaments on steroids. These are thoughtfully provided weeks in advance of various holidays and festivities by outfits including Costco, Kitschy Lawn Ornaments R’ Us, Landmark Creations and good old Hammacher Schlemmer (Motto: We used to sell inflatable Irish pubs).
What we have here, in chronological order, are some lawn ornaments including hefty inflatable Easter Bunnies (not shown), a dinosaurian inflatable Blue Oxen accompanied by an equally giant inflatable Lumberjack (Ed. note: National Lumberjack Day is June 28th):
A Brobdingnagian Skeleton:
A colossal inflatable Stay Puft Marshmallow Man:
A menacing oversized inflatable Turkey:
And last but not least, a cyclopean inflatable Santa and a cyclopean inflatable Elf:
(AMA’s motto: “Sorry but we’re making so much money selling travel insurance, Kleenex, suitcases, flares, vacation packages, and inflatable anti-hemorrhoid doughnut pillows, that we can’t get to your vehicle for another 31 hours.”)
Not that I’m bitter.
Now by this time you’re probably wondering what’s up with the danged Christmas Gift Guide. So here goes. I’ll start with the decanters.
Check out this decanter holding approximately 26 ounces of booze -or 739 mL if you speak SI-modeled after the iconic Indian motorcycle dating back to 1901.
And if there ever was a rough and ready, steely-eyed dude with great hair who should own a motorcycle-themed decanter, it’s this guy. I’ll bet his nickname is Buck:
Plus, Buck bears a certain resemblance to Kurt Russell but probably with more tattoos.
Next, who among us doesn’t need a timeless bison decanter such as this one:
To be honest, I prefer the decanter below. If you take a swig from it in public though, people will probably give you a double-take/second look.
Finishing the parade of decanters before the theme runs dry, no pun intended, here’s a guitar decanter. This decanter also has the capacity of a “26er” and is named after Slash – aka Saul Hudson – the lead guitarist of Guns ‘N Roses.
Decanters aside, I’m throwing down this rug below for consideration, although I’m not too sure about it. The 3-D effect is great but Santa looks a bit menacing. There’s the possibility that if a toddler wandered into the living room half asleep at 2 AM and sees it, she or he would run screaming for Mom and Dad. Also, I thought maybe Santa picked the wrong address and wound up trying to deliver presents to an underground foundry or possibly a smelter.
Moving right along here, who among us wouldn’t want an Advent calendar populated with weird, sort-of-creepy-looking acrylic cats? Apparently lots of people.
Here’s an excerpt from the ad:
“With many traditional advent calendars, the excitement ends when the last door is opened. The chocolates are eaten, the treats are gone, and the empty packaging eventually gets put away in the neighbor’s recycling bin because yours is already full. With this calendar, you still have all 24 acrylic cat charms when the dust settles, unless somebody ate one by mistake. Each cat comes with a string so you can use it as an earring or ornament for your rearview mirror. You can wear the little Bishop cat to church if you want and you can also use the weird little acrylic creatures to threaten your misbehaving small children into submission and also to scare pigeons off your back deck. If you have one.”
If the acrylic cats don’t keep those children in line, this might work.
Well, it’s time to wrap this up. I know it’s just early November but Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. I really don’t want that much for Christmas: a bottle of Slash’s whisky and a place to drink it would be just dandy.
