Alert readers of this blog are aware that the roots of Lateral Thinking Department reach back into the mists of time when I was a GP in Emo (population 1000) located in Northern Ontario, halfway between Winnipeg and Thunder Bay. I and John O’Sullivan, my medical partner in crime, began colluding to write a weekly blog named Emedics.
The inspiration for that blog came from various sources: the local goings-on in Emo, including but not limited to: earthquakes, plagues of locusts, and visiting tourist fisherpersons who got fish hooks embedded in their thumbs, earlobes, etc. Another wellspring of inspiration was John’s animal encounters arising from his years in South Africa, including but not limited to: warthogs, elands and intoxicated elephants. Last but not least, another muse was The Soaps, a column written by Lynda Hirsch, syndicated in North America, featured by the Winnipeg Free Press and also probably by newspapers in many strange locations including but not limited to Utah and possibly Idaho.
For decades, Lynda provided a weekly update of what transpired in numerous daytime TV soap operas including but not limited to: Days of Our Lives, Star Trek, Gilligan’s Island, Catholicism For Dummies and The Young and The Vapid. Oops! I meant Restless.
Yes, I know what you’re thinking. This is a long intro and also overuses the phrase “including but not limited to”. Nevertheless, we’ll press on. What follows are Emedics wisecrack observations about things John and I read in The Soaps, circa 1995. Various characters are mentioned: John and Marlena, Kendall, Lisa, Eduardo and John (not the same John as the John who was canoodling with Marlena), Hope and Victor.
When I revisited those Emedics posts a few days ago, I researched some of the actors and the roles they played. You are not going to believe how incredibly complicated and improbable the plotlines are. Take Marlena for example. I swear on Sherlock Holmes’ smarter brother, Mycroft’s considerable cognitive abilities that I didn’t make up a single word of this summary:
“Throughout the course of her existence on the program, she (Marlena) has experienced what some consider to be the most outrageous circumstances of any character in soap opera history. These would include being possessed by the devil two times (in 1994 and 2021); a plummet from a 30-story-window (which she survived); being used as a surrogate for genetically engineered babies, Rex and Cassie, during a four-year coma, where she was presumed dead after being involved in a plane crash; being mind-controlled to believe she was a serial killer; being targeted by several serial killers; and becoming pregnant late in life and suffering a miscarriage, which caused her to have hysterical amnesia. She has also been kidnapped numerous times over the past 45 years. She is a doctor, wife, mother, twin, grandmother and great-grandmother.”
Talk about a life well-lived! That’s just the tip of the iceberg. Remember that there were probably several dozen daytime “soaps” of equal or greater complexity. John and I simply couldn’t resist lampooning some of the snippets that turned up in The Soaps.
Here goes…
The Soaps update on All My Children: “Kendall decides it is time for the false document in the leopard to be discovered.” Emedics: This statement raised a lot of questions for us and our readers. Take you for example. You’re probably wondering how the false document got into the leopard in the first place. Is it inside a real leopard or maybe sealed inside a porcelain statue of a leopard? That aside, where is the real document?”
The Soaps update on As the World Turns: “John is astounded when Lisa slaps him with a $2 million malpractice suit for Eduardo’s death.” (Ed. note: This astronomy-based TV series is a little tough to follow. Maltese gangster and part-time astrophysicist, Eduardo Grimaldi, married high-end boutique owner, restaurateur and part-time astronaut, Lisa Miller. Just a few weeks after they were wed, Lisa’s marital happiness ended because Eduardo came to a tragic end. He was shot and wounded by a “business associate” and rushed to hospital where an MD named John was on duty. (Call him John #1). Eduardo was admitted but then shot again , this time in his hospital bed, by Eduardo’s cousin, Orlena Grimaldi. Orlena had been nursing a decades-long grudge following a dispute over Hallowe’en candy. Eduardo died but Lisa mistakenly blamed John #1 and sued him.) Emedics: “Lisa backed down once she discovered that there was no negligence on John #1’s part: however, Lisa somehow also discovered that John #1 didn’t have any malpractice insurance. Lisa concluded that John #1 was pretty much of a Class A Dunderhead despite having the letters MD after his name. We wholeheartedly agree.”
The Soaps update on Days of Our Lives: “The demon using Marlena’s persona calls John (Ed. note: not the same John without malpractice insurance) and says she is being held prisoner at the lighthouse. John races to her rescue at the lighthouse, unaware that he is stepping into a trap.” Emedics: We don’t know about you but we sure hate it when that happens. You’ll be happy to know that this John (call him John #2) apparently got out of the trap but has now realized that “Marlena’s yellow eyes could be a sign of possession”. Whoever is behind all this has given Marlena some tinted contact lenses to allay John #2’s suspicions.
Remember that we’re not talking about John #1, the John who had no malpractice insurance. We think there’s a pretty good chance that John #2 might drop his suspicions about Marlena. Like John #1, John #2 is also not the sharpest tool in the shed, from where we’re sitting.
For starters, we’d like to know why John #2 got himself into this situation in the first place. We don’t know about you, but when we were single, as a general rule we tended to avoid romantic involvement with yellow-eyed women. Also, even if we had become involved with a yellow-eyed woman, we would’ve become pretty darned suspicious if she suddenly started wearing tinted contact lenses. Everyone knows you can’t trust people who wear tinted contact lenses.
The Soaps update on The Young and The Restless: Victor is uneasy because Hope has such strong feelings for Cliff. (Ed. note: Victor is married to Hope, who should not be messing around with Cliff.)
Emedics: We would like to give Victor a suggestion. He ought to lose that mustache and also get himself a few dozen pairs of these new boxer shorts under development by Karebo, a Japanese apparel and cosmetics manufacturer.
The fabric of the shorts is impregnated with millions of tiny capsules containing a synthetic chemical found in male underarm perspiration. This kind of chemical is called a pheromone. In case you readers think we were making this up, we want you to know that pheromones are employed in nature by both males and females of many species including accountants, in order to attract members of the opposite sex for purposes including but not limited to, strategic mergers, financial planning and line dancing.
Some of these pheromones smell pretty rank but luckily for the Japanese, this particular one has no unpleasant odor; however, the downside is that the chemical wears off after about ten trips through the washing machine. The shorts will be pricey too, about 50% more on average. But for guys like Victor, the extra expense may be worth it; these shorts should give him a considerable edge over Cliff as long as Hope doesn’t have a bad cold, or worse yet, hay fever.
This type of underwear could make the whole dating thing extremely complicated though. For example, say you’re sitting in a posh restaurant chatting quietly with your date. As the evening wears on, each of you realizes that you are wildly attracted to the other, but at the same time you’re both a bit hesitant. Maybe it’s just chemically impregnated underthings doing the talking.
You: “Is it my imagination or are we wildly attracted to each other? And is that your foot rubbing against the inside of my left calf?”
Your date: “I don’t think it’s your imagination. Unfortunately that foot rubbing against your left calf belongs to the gentleman at the next table. What kind of underwear have you got on?”
You: “Fruit of the Loom. And yours, if you don’t mind my asking?”
Your date: “Jockey For Her.”
You: “Well, I’m glad that’s settled.”
Your date: “Me too.”
You: “By the way, I think your eyes are the most intriguing shade of yellow I’ve ever seen.”
Your date (blushing): “Really? Thank you! Please order me another raw steak.”
Seriously though, we’ve been thinking hard about this whole thing and we’ve come up with at least a couple of ways around the problem. Social conventions might be evolved whereby no high-octane undies would be allowed for the first few dates (and no tinted contact lenses either).
Discreet nose clips or plugs could be worn if there were any lingering doubts. And there’s always the option of both parties showing up sans underwear or possibly sporting some kind of perfumed incontinence garments.
But really, if you have to rely on pheromones to get your relationships off to a good start, don’t even bother. You probably need a lot more than new underwear. In fact you might as well just stay home and watch the Soaps. Just let us know how Victor is doing, OK?
Speaking of expensive underwear, back in the day, would Sherlock and Mycroft Holmes have been able to predict that intelligent beings would some day pay $600 for a pair of Elvis Presley’s briefs? We don’t think so.
Believe it or not, according to a CP article by Linda Barnard, Ripley’s Believe It or Not recently purchased a pair of the King’s custom-designed black briefs for display at one of their Southern California museums. The undergarment, complete with a letter of authenticity from one of Elvis’ family members, was reinforced with special fabric able to tolerate the undoubtedly tremendous forces generated during his energetic performances. To commemorate such a monumental purchase we decided to compose this little poem:
Even for Elvis
He got kinda fat, but he sure could croon.
He was recently sighted on the moon.
We think you’ll agree that $600 a pair is pretty costly underwear.
Even for Elvis.
Well, that about wraps things up here in the Soap Opera/Pheromone Division of the Lateral Thinking Department! I’ve been at this all day so I need to sign off. The next episode of Love Island Australia is about to start any minute now and I don’t want to miss it. G’day mates.
