The People vs Graphic T-Shirts

Censorship is on the rise these days, with legislation that is being discussed, is pending or is already on the books. These statutes might target what you say online, what other people think you might do in the future, what you own, what you eat, where you drive and what you wear. Thankfully, we’re not there yet.

The fellow in the featured image for this post was NOT in court because he was charged with wearing a “World’s Best Farter” t-shirt. I don’t know what he was charged with and the article that featured the photo didn’t say. Poor taste in clothing isn’t on anyone’s legal radar yet. But you never know. At some point in the not-so-distant future, a conversation like the following one may unfold in court:

Judge: Sir, do you understand why you are here today?

Me: Yes. I’m charged with owning too many graphic t-shirts.

Judge: And can you please tell the court exactly how many graphic t-shirts you own?

Me: Under the advice of my proctologist, I will invoke my right to the Fifth Amendment to refrain from answering your question.

Judge: Ummmm. We’re in Canada. There is no Fifth Amendment up here. And your name is not Anthony (The Weasel) Fauci. So answer my questions or I’ll hold you in contempt. Are you aware that many people now think graphic t-shirts are passe, irrelevant and belong back in the late 60’s and 70’s?

Me: Actually, Your Honor, in my defense I consulted Microsoft’s Copilot regarding graphic t-shirts. Here’s what it said:

Judge: Well, as near as I can see, you don’t belong to a younger generation.

Me: Ouch! Once more in my defense, Your Honor, I quote Dave Barry, noted humorist, former astrophysicist, staunch advocate of International Talk Like a Pirate Day and expert immature person who is approaching his 80th birthday as we speak:

Judge: (clears throat) Harrumph! Although your argument has some merit, I still find this next t-shirt to be highly worrisome and possibly seditious due to the radioactivity warning symbol. Plus, who would ever print words in yellow on an orange shirt? I can barely see them let alone read them.

Me: Beats me, your Honor. Yet again, in my defense, I bought this t-shirt at a store in Arco, Idaho. It was the only one in my size. Arco is located just a few miles from the EBR-1 Atomic Museum, That museum is a National Historic Landmark commemorating the first time that electricity was generated from a nuclear reactor and used to power a small town, albeit it only for an hour or so. Sadly, Arco promptly received an electricity bill for $8,275,332.29 from the Federal Government.

Judge: OK, cut the bullshit. I hate the color of that shirt. You need to do something about it before I suffer permanent retinal damage.

Me: I thought you might hate it so I soaked it in a bucket of grey fabric dye and took another photo. What do you think?

Judge: (grudgingly) Actually, I like it. What brand of dye did you use, if you don’t mind my asking?

Me: Rit. My wife couldn’t believe that the grey covered the orange. Truth be told, in daylight the shirt looks more brownish-orange, and speckled, almost with a subtle tiger motif. I think it’s because the shirt was 50% cotton and 50% polyester. It said right on the dye package not to use it on polyester.

Judge: Why did you ignore the instructions, then?

Me: Well, I was curious to see what would happen. I felt like it was more of a guideline instead of a rule. You know, like a speed limit sign.

Judge: I see. I’m getting the impression that you might be a bit of a rebel, especially after seeing Exhibit E:

Judge: Do you own a unicycle?

Me: Possibly. Why do you ask?

Judge: Just curious. What is your stance regarding cats? I have two questions:

1) Do you presently own a cat?

2) Are you planning to kill it?

Unicycle aside, I must admit that I find this t-shirt quite disturbing:

Me: You can relax, Your Honor. Yes, I do own a cat. Her name is Zoe. She throws up hairballs occasionally but no, I am not planning her demise. It’s a physics joke.

Judge: Tell me the joke, please.

Me: Erwin Schrodinger was a quantum theorist who pictured a live cat in a sealed box containing a poison gas ampoule, a Geiger counter and a radioactive atom. If the atom were to emit a decay particle, the Geiger counter would detect it, release the gas and poison the cat. Since no one could predict when the atom would decay, Schrodinger said that the cat was in a superposition state and was both alive AND dead until someone peered into the box, at which point the superposition state was said to have collapsed.

Werner Heisenberg was another quantum physicist who said that you couldn’t measure two properties of the same object such as a subatomic particle with the same certainty. For example, you could measure the position of a particle with high precision but you couldn’t measure the momentum (related to how fast the particle was moving) with that same degree of precision. Or vice versa. So, there could be no certainty about both properties at the same time.

Judge: (spluttering and red in the face) What’s so funny about that? It’s not even a joke.

Me: Hold on to your robe, Your Honor. Here we go:

“One day Heisenberg and Schrodinger were out for a ride in the country. Heisenberg was at the wheel. They were pulled over by a State Trooper. The trooper asked Heisenberg if he knew how fast he was going. Heisenberg said, ‘No, but I know exactly where I am.’

The trooper said, ‘Very funny wise, guy. I want to look in the trunk.’ He comes back a minute later and says, ‘Did you know there’s a box in your trunk with a dead cat in it?’

Schrodinger chimes in, ‘We do now!’

Judge: I don’t get it.

Me: Then you definitely won’t like Exhibit G

P.S. I have over 60 graphic t-shirts. Don’t tell the judge.