This post was released to the unsuspecting public on June 7, 2016.
The reason I decided to re-post it is that the Smallville TV series resurfaced on Netflix recently. I thought it might save people from having to watch all 220 episodes.
Seems to me that at the end of the last column about Octopuses, I threatened to devote this column to interesting facts about border bollies. So. Let’s take that off the table right now: this column is probably not going to be about border collie facts, although I might segue to some border collie facts at some point. I haven’t decided yet.
But before I go any farther I want to say for the record that the only reason I watched all 220 episodes of Smallville was to humor a small boy who I’ll call Andrew (not his real name). And remember, when you’re talking about distance, use farther; when you’re not talking about distance, use further. Remember also that you use whom when there’s a preposition involved, such as in this sentence: ” To whom shall I give this last piece of Black Forest Cake?” If there’s no preposition involved, use who.
Anyway, “Andrew” and I watched Smallville, which everyone knows is the story of Clark Kent (not his real name) growing up in Smallville, Kansas, after he crash-landed on Earth. His parents Jor-El and Lara had put their baby boy Kal-El in an escape pod because their home planet Krypton was about to be toasted by Rao, Krypton’s sun. (Rao was about to go nova.) I note that Kal-El can be rearranged to La Elk, which might be French for: “The Elk” if it happened to be a female.
Anyway, when Kal-El got to Earth he did a lot of stuff including getting a new name and getting an “A” on his first day in Smallville High welding shop class. (Motto: We welcome all aliens.)
Clark also lifted tractors, repeatedly rescued Lana Lang and Lois Lane and made it to school on time even when his alarm clock was set for 8:59:30 AM. (School started at 9:00:00 AM in Smallville.)
When he wasn’t busy rescuing Lana Lang and Lois Lane, or trying to navigate his troubled relationship with his friend Lex Luthor (What’s with the LL’s anyway?), or hanging out with his cousin Kara Zor-El aka Supergirl or battling advanced beings from other dimensions, Clark would often retreat to his Fortress of Solitude and Teenage Angst. (FOSATA for short.)
Under stress, or to escape our parents, we normal teens had to make do by retreating to the bathroom or possibly a friend’s house but Clark was fortunate enough to be able to retreat to his nifty hangout located somewhere above the Arctic Circle, when things got too intense between him and his adoptive parents, Martha and Jonathan Kent.
Andrew and I never found out if the FOSATA had a bathroom but what it did have was a veritable forest of large crystals sprouting out of the floor. These were Memory Crystals, which contained all the accumulated wisdom of Krypton, plus holograms of Jor-el and Lara, plus a complete list of all 93 weird forms of Kryptonite that Clark would eventually encounter, plus his Kryptonian birth certificate and his Social Security number.
These Memory Crystals were probably the inspiration for researchers at the University of Southampton Optical Research Centre (USORC for short) to develop their own memory crystals. The USORCians devised a way to encode huge amounts of information in ultrapure, glassy silicon wafers, which were touted to last “until the Sun burns out”. Remember that if they were talking about suns in particular no capitalization was necessary but since they were talking about Earth’s sun, they used Sun. Just like if I were talking about the upcoming election for President of the United States (POTUS for short) I would say the Presidential Election, not presidential election. But I digress.
Now as we all know, data storage here on Earth is an ongoing problem. Magnetized tape (cassettes, videotape, etc) only lasts about 50 years. Data stored on silicon Random Access Memory chips (RAM for short) and metallic hard drive discs is more durable but still prone to corruption by radiation, alien electromagnetic pulses (EMPs for short) and high temperatures.
Husband: “Honey, where’s our terabyte drive?”
Wife: “Dang, I preheated the oven to 400 degrees to bake a Black Forest Cake and I forgot that I left the terabyte drive in there to keep it safe from alien EMPs. Bye-bye all six seasons of Downton Abbey.”
Husband: “No loss.”
Ultrapure silicon glass wafers last billions of years, even longer than styrofoam, which is why the USORCian scientists focused on etching trillions of bits of data into the depths of the wafers, using a femtosecond laser.
In the words of ORC professor Peter (I’m not an orc”) Kalansky: “It is thrilling to think that we have created the technology to preserve documents and information (editor’s note: aren’t documents information?) and store it in space for future generations. This technology can secure the last evidence of our civilization, including the 2016 Presidential debates and all we’ve learnt will not be forgotten. Plus, we’re really into femtosecond lasers.”
(A femtosecond laser emits really short pulses, pulses that are a lot shorter than the time it takes “Andrew” (mentioned earlier) to finally pick up his socks after he’s been asked 200 times.
The etching technology hasn’t been commercialized as yet but so far, the researchers have preserved ponderous documents including the King James Bible, the Magna Carta, Isaac Newton’s “Opticks” treatise (about optics, oddly enough), the U.S. Tax Code, and all six seasons of Downton Abbey. And Lost.
This got me thinking about a list of facts/videos/recipes/trivia that I want to see preserved in these wafers:
- How to make perfect hard-boiled eggs which you can peel without the annoying “Membrane Problem”. This is a non-trivial problem, by the way. So far, my favorite method is The Cold Start, in which you carefully place cold eggs into boiling water, then turn the heat down to “the barest simmer” and cook for 13 minutes. Not 12 minutes or 14 minutes: 13 minutes. If you have a better way, let me know.
- How to sort the laundry so your wife doesn’t get on your case: “NEXT TIME, that needs to be washed on the delicate setting, in the tears of a virgin gathered under a full moon, Honey.”
- How the builder should have plumbed the in-floor heating in our walkout basement suite so that we wouldn’t burn out two hot water tanks in five years, not that I’m bitter. Hint: you need a heat exchanger.
- The recipe for the Octopus Garden Cocktail: Take 3 parts gin; add 1 part dry vermouth; shake with ice; strain; garnish with a baby octopus and a black olive; apologize to PETOBO (short for People for the Ethical Treatment of Baby Octopuses). Also apologize to the octopus. Bottoms up!
- How to make Dyson vacuum cleaners: For those of you with overt or latent OCD tendencies, Dyson vacuum cleaners are the greatest invention since fire, or maybe Lululemon yoga wear.
- How to get the stains out of your carpet after you feed your Border Collie a wide variety of foods including shrimp, bacon, steak and chicken: This is also a non-trivial problem. Use some kind of oxidizing agent plus Dawn dish detergent, plus vinegar and baking soda to lift the stain.
- Chaser’s Vocabulary: “Chaser”, a border collie, holds the world record for canine vocabulary and knows the names of more than 1000 toys and all the U.S. State Capitals. Note that Chaser’s border collie cousin, Striker”, can open a non-electric car door in 11.4 seconds. This also is a world record and a strong reminder of the old adage: Never turn your back on the ocean. Sadly, Striker is currently serving time for auto theft.
- The Old Adage: Never turn your back on the ocean.
- Extreme German Unicycling or How to ride a unicycle down something you wouldn’t even walk down: I can ride a unicycle, but this guy is basically insane. Here’s a video clip.
- This joke: Q: What do you call a part-time band leader? A: A semiconductor!
Clearly, I need more, and better, material for my list. If you have suggestions, send them to me and I’ll eventually send them to USORC, who will eventually send them to Elon Musk, who will eventually send them into space along with a kick-ass recipe for Martian Potato Salad.
Meanwhile, I’m going to drink an Octopus Garden cocktail, spark up my Dyson, vacuum up some fluff and then I might re-watch Smallville: Episode 220. You know, it’s the one where Clark finally gets his pilot’s license…plus a hefty fine from the Federal Aviation Administration. (FAA for short)
Note: Apparently I decided to segue to border collies. Just so you know, all current border collies are reputed to be descended from Old Hemp b. 1893.
Not that you care.
The Department of Lateral Thinking 