It’s been 120 years and a bit since 8-year-old Virginia O’Hanlon wrote to the New York Sun in an attempt to get to the bottom of whether or not Santa is real. And of course we all know what Francis Pharcellus Church replied: “…Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus…”
One of the things I would like to get to the bottom of is: what the heck are Francis and Virginia looking at? I think that Mr. Church (above right) is actually looking at Virginia (at left); Virginia, in turn, is looking at her dog Henry (below).
We can talk about Henry and his odd headgear some other time. The main issue I want to get to the bottom of today is whether or not you should start watching Hallmark Christmas Movies.
I feel like you should. I’ll tell you why in a minute. But first let me give you a three-sentence rundown on these movies. (Wait, wait, wait. Why am I asking for your permission? If you don’t want to read the rundown, you don’t have to.)
Here’s the rundown:
Every year, Hallmark makes a slew of these harmless, squeaky-clean, formulaic, feel-good movies set in small towns. The storylines always unfold in the week or so before Christmas. They’re kind of like burning log videos: nice to have running in the background during the Christmas season.
Seven Reasons To Watch Hallmark Christmas Movies
1. If you have a small town that you don’t know what to do with, or happen to be building a small town, watch a few of these movies to see if you might be able to rent it (the town) to Hallmark for a few weeks. I’m not kidding. If you went to that link a few paragraphs back, you would learn that Hallmark is running out of cozy small town shooting locations.
2. If you’re looking for a new drinking game, the Hallmark Christmas Move drinking game is going viral. I swear on my hepatic artery that I am not making this up. You pick a Hallmark Christmas Movie at random, watch it, and drink up at various points throughout the movie according to criteria such as: “If there’s magic involved – a magical stocking, magical ornaments, a magical snow globe, guardian angel, etc. – take two drinks.” or “If the primary male love interest is a farmer, carpenter or just someone who works with his hands, take a drink. If he drives a pickup truck or jeep, take another drink.”
Speaking of snow globes, I found this thing at left. Do you want to know what my first thought about it was? (Dang, there I go again, asking your permission.) I honestly thought it was Moby Dick engulfing a whaling-ship. But then I thought: Who on earth would make something like that? Then I found out it’s not from Earth.
Apparently it’s a decorative piece depicting an Exogorth Space Slug engulfing a whaling ship. I think you can get one from Hammacher Schlemmer.
Actually I’m lying about several details.
That’s the Millenium Falcon in there, not a whaling ship.
Hammacher Schlemmer doesn’t carry this item.
Honest.
I find this surprising.
OK, where was I?
3. If you’re trying to decide whether or not you should get a puppy, watching Hallmark Christmas Movies will probably help you out. I always give my dog Mickey a big hug whenever I watch one. They just give you a warm, fuzzy feeling. If I didn’t have Mickey I would for sure have gotten a puppy by now. Not that I’m obsessively watching these movies on W (channel 23 if you have Shaw Cable).
4. If you need some kind of temporary bridging fetish because you’re in between seasons of whatever Netflix epic you’re currently addicted to, you could do a lot worse than watch some Hallmark Christmas Movies.
5. You should watch the Hallmark Christmas Movies if you own one of those Polar Express Bells and you can hear it tinkle, or if you can hear someone else’s tinkle. (I know what you’re thinking. Stop it right now. This is a PG-13 column.)
6. If you are looking to graduate from obsessively reading Harlequin Romances such as the one below, which by the way, raises a multitude of highly disturbing questions in my mind such as: Who’s the billionaire-him or her? Did someone give that baby to them? Did they buy that baby? Clone it? Or what?
7. If you’ve ever fallen in love +/- 3 days from December 25th you will definitely relate to these movies. Generally the first kiss/declaration of deep feelings/proposal/wedding takes place on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day or worst case: Boxing Day.
So there. Seven good reasons to watch Hallmark Christmas Movies.
If there is someone you would like to fall in love with in the next couple of weeks, I highly recommend that you turn on W, plop down on the couch along with a big bowl of popcorn, some Christmas cookies, a puppy and maybe a snow globe or two.
Don’t forget to include the person you want to fall in love with!
By the way, the feature image for this column is an actual unretouched photo of an Exogorth Space Slug oven mitt. Perfect for when you’re baking those Christmas cookies.
The Department of Lateral Thinking 
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