Before I get started it’s probably worth listing some of the loose threads that have been lying around from previous columns. Bear in mind that listing some of the loose threads might simply be a way to get started without actually saying I’m getting started. But by then it will be too late to stop. Anyway…
Some Of The Loose Threads That Are Lying Around From Previous Columns:
-How to tell if you have a Komodo Dragon problem when you’re not a deer
-How to establish yourself as a successful Body Part model
There are lots of ways to tell whether or not you have a Komodo Dragon problem. First of all, are you more than 985 feet from the closest bush, forest, stand of grass, Quonset hut or anything else that could conceal a 10-foot long lizard? If the answer is yes, you currently don’t have a Komodo Dragon problem because I read the following gem on a Komodo Dragon fact site: “They are able to see prey and other objects as far as 985 feet away.” So even if there is one lurking out there somewhere, it can’t see you because you’re too far from it’s lair-unless it has a telescope (or binoculars). This is unlikely.
Secondly, if you happen to see a Komodo Dragon at close range (say 700 feet), does it look like this?
If so, you can relax. Despite the sly grin, this is most likely a dead Komodo Dragon.
Are you currently located on any of the Lesser Sunda Islands, namely: Komodo, Rinca, Flores, Gili Motang or Padar? If not, you don’t have a Komodo Dragon problem because they don’t live anywhere else except maybe in zoos.
Have you recently (in the last 60 seconds) fallen into the Komodo Dragon enclosure at a zoo? Are you contemplating climbing into a Komodo Dragon enclosure for some obscure reason known only to you? If the answer to both these questions is no, once again, I think you probably don’t have a Komodo Dragon issue.
Do you bear any resemblance at all to a juvenile Komodo Dragon? No? Congratulations! Your chance of being eaten has just dropped substantially, as adult Komodos routinely eat their young, including nieces and nephews.
Finally, do certain aspects of your body stand out? Do you consider your legs, hands or feet to be among your best features? Do you already lavish inordinate amounts of time on some of your body parts, regularly coating them with expensive lotions and suchlike and protecting them from things like penetrating injuries and the harsh rays of the sun?
If you answered “Yes” to any of these questions, venomous 10-foot lizard carnivores are the least of your concerns. Instead you need to start worrying about all the time you may have wasted by NOT already having become a Body Part model.
Q: What is a Body Part model? Is it something from Forensic Files?
A: No. A Body Part model, also known as a Closeup model, is like a regular, anorexic model except that he or she only models isolated parts of their body that might have a special quality. Body Part models appear in ads for things like shoes, fingernail polish, rings and socks.
Q: What about ads for parrots?
A: No. That’s a ridiculous question.
Q: OK, sorry. So what are the special qualities we’re talking about here?
A: We’ll get to that.
Q: (Sigh) So how do I get started?
A: Take the advice of the good (but marginally literate) folks at UK Models:
“Approach an agency who specialise in this area to understand if your feature is photogenic or not. There is no harm in asking as you could make a living off modelling this body part. Have a look at campaigns that use isolated features and compare the body part to your own to gauge if you will be considered in the niche.”
I am not making this up. Top Body Part models, secure in their niches, can earn thousands of dollars a day. It’s a highly-competitive business though, with lots of rules:
Hands – Flawless, smooth skin with evenly shaped nails. Hand shape is important. Male hands should have minimum hair.
Legs – Smooth, long and shapely. Skin free of veins, blemishes. Not overly muscular.
Feet – Evenly shaped toes and nails. Free of corns, bunions or other foot blemishes.
Shoe size Should range from size 6-10 for women, and 8-12 for men.
Body – Even skin tone and well-toned, nice muscularity.
I checked out some professional body model images and I have to say that you can certainly tell the difference between an amateur Body Part model and a highly-trained professional Body Part model.
All I can say is that there are a lot of strange things going on in this world. Even if you live to be at least one hundred, you won’t see half of them.
How To Live To Be At Least One Hundred:
Choose healthy parents.
Avoid falling asleep outdoors on any of these islands: Komodo, Rinca, Flores, Gili Motang, Padar.
Don’t tell any of your descendants how much money you’re going to leave them in your will.
Move to the island of Okinawa; there are more centenarians per 100,000 people on Okinawa than anywhere else in the world.
“Eat like a raw egg or something every day.”
-longevity tip from anonymous fifteen-year old
Laugh regularly. Research has shown that adults who see humor in life are 35% more likely to live a longer life than those who do not.
If you don’t have a sense of humor, get one. And if you don’t have a sense of humor, why are you even reading this column? Go read The Economist or something.
Get a therapy dog.
Keep your hands and feet perfectly groomed at all times. You never know! Your Body Part modeling career might be waiting for you just around the corner…If a Komodo Dragon doesn’t get you first.
Next column: How to have a successful career as a therapy dog.