When we last met, I was going on about whether or not you should trade your dog in for something else on the basis of your getting tired of toweling it off all the time, especially when it’s wet. Options included another type of dog with or without water-repellent fur, or maybe a member of an entirely different species.
If you are opting to go with a different species, I’m going to give you some suggestions.
1) Vietnamese pot-bellied pigs (or maybe some other kind of smallish pig):
The footage that follows was taken right outside my office window. I’m almost positive that this video captures a pot-bellied pig dutifully following its owner back to the car. But it might be a dog. It’s definitely not a Sasquatch aka Bigfoot even though the video is very reminiscent of your typical Sasquatch aka Bigfoot video: grainy, indistinct, over-before-you-know-it.
I personally think that stubby little tail is almost a dead giveaway.
Be forewarned: by all accounts pot-bellied pigs make for challenging pets. They’re affectionate, smart, demanding; they get into everything; they’re headstrong; they can make a mess if left untended. Wait a sec! That sounds an awful lot like a toddler! Maybe you should grow one of those instead.
It’s probably faster and easier for you to get a pig than to grow a toddler. But what if you like to surf? Lots of people do: especially people who live near water. Do you live near water? If you do, I just this minute realized that your dog is probably wet quite a bit of the time already, so this whole wet dog thing may be a non-issue for you. You might want to stop reading now.
But if not, rest assured that there’s a good chance that you will be able to take your new pig surfing. Some pigs love to surf! They are probably the descendants of wild pigs who learned to surf after migrating to Hawaii from thousands of miles away (with the assistance of Testicle Navigators, of course!)
Now as we all know, surfing can be a fairly high adrenaline pastime. So some people might prefer to trade their dog for an animal that is content to engage in a more chill activity, such as yoga. If you are one of those people, a baby goat is just what you need, as shown by this simple equation:
Wet Dog + Baby Goat + Yoga = Baby Goat Yoga – Wet Dog
Yes, you heard me correctly! Yoga with baby goats is a thing. A big, trending thing, actually. Nobody knows for sure where Goat Yoga started but roughly twenty states are currently fighting over bragging rights for the title of Goat Yoga State. (Actually, I’m lying. Goat Yoga started in New Hampshire.)
Incidentally, Goat Yoga State can be rearranged to spell: A Saggy Teat, Too. (Ed. Note: Dave Barry totally pioneered the technique of rearranging phrases to spell other phrases which more-or-less make sense. I shamelessly adopted his literary device.)
I also threw in a comma that wasn’t in Goat Yoga State. Just saying.
The baby goats don’t actually do the yoga. They basically mill around in adorable baby-goat fashion amongst the people. The people do the yoga. There is a lot of goat-cuddling involved. And nibbling. The goats nibble on various body parts within range as well as any clothing they can manage to sink their teeth into, including Lululemon™ activewear.
The absolute best thing about Goat Yoga though, is the comments that people are posting alongside the Goat Yoga video clips. Especially the following comment (and its reply) found at www.youtube.com/watch?v=gvj6voiH5S0
Arielle Masters, who clearly has an inquiring mind, asked this question:
This isn’t an April Fool’s joke? It’s very cute – but do they ever pee on the people doing yoga?
Ethan Moreau, who is clearly your basic smart-ass guy, shot back:
Arielle Masters yes they do but they don’t mind. They also poop on them too. However the smell of the poop is very therapeutic for them. So they just leave it. Sometimes the guests poop on the floor with the goats.
This just goes to show you the trouble that can arise when you use pronouns in a way that leaves thing open to interpretation. Who doesn’t mind? The goats or the people? Do the goats poop on the people or do the people poop on the goats? It’s unclear. Exactly who is deriving therapeutic benefit from the smell of the poop? Again, unclear.
By the way, a big plus if you’re considering swapping out your dog for a goat is that once again, if you like to surf, chances are that your goat will too!
That brings our tally of creatures who like to surf up to three. I’m sure there are more. So I’m going to do an experiment right now. I’m going to bet that somewhere out there is a photo of some kind of Cryptid on a surfboard. Then I’m going to see if I can find that photo.
Five minutes later…
I’m back! Sure as Jack’s your uncle, there IS such a photo. Like all Cryptid images, it’s kind of grainy and indistinct. We’re not really sure what we’re seeing.
There are probably dozens of Cryptids that would make great pets. Assuming you could catch one. Like this thing in the gutter right outside my office window. I don’t have the first clue what it is. Large Guinea Pig? Rabbit? Hell, it might even be a sandbag, for all I know. It’s hard to say because the image is kind of grainy and indistinct. Can it surf? I don’t know.
I could go on about Cryptids but I won’t because then we might get sidetracked into other unsolved mysteries/possible conspiracies such as: Area 51, 9-11, why so many US state names start with the letter “M” and how more than twenty-five washable breast pads (also called nursing pads) could simply vanish out of a washing machine into thin air, leaving the other laundry items unscathed.
A lot of these mysteries are completely ridiculous, yet some of them are strangely compelling. When I googled “breast pads vanishing from washing machine” I found a UK site with inputs from other people with the same issue! There’s just nothing new under the sun, apparently.
Meanwhile, keep your dog. Just go buy some more towels. And pick up some more breast pads while you’re at it, in case you followed my suggestion to grow a toddler. I found some excellent ones. They’re made from organic materials including bamboo. Guess what? They’re called Bamboobies! And the company that makes them is called Bamboobies!
This world truly is a weird and wonderful place. And the Bamboobies logo is equally wonderful:
Bamboobies also make yoga nursing bras. I’m not kidding. They do.
I’ll bet the goats will love them.
Next column: The Worst Sound In The World.