New Mexico Ant Skirmish

Years ago I read a three-volume set (of books) by John Nichols entitled the New Mexico Trilogy. The Trilogy wasn’t a real trilogy as there was no continuity between the books. Really, the only thing the three books had in common was that they were set in New Mexico.

The first book in the not-a-trilogy is The Milagro Beanfield War. It involved a skirmish/heated dispute between the townsfolk of Milagro and a real estate developer. Suffice it to say, if you liked Swamp Story and other Dave Barry books, you will probably like The Milagro Beanfield War. It’s full of zany, interesting characters and interlocking plot lines.

The reason the Beanfield War came to mind is that my son, Tyler aka Ty (not his real name), together with his partner Andrea (not her real name either), moved to Santa Fe, New Mexico, earlier this year. (State Motto: We are too close to Texas.) The pseudonymous couple quickly noticed that they had an ant problem in the house. By the way, I think Taylor Swift wrote a song called Ant Problems. No, wait! That was Champagne Problems. My bad.

Anyway, there’s always stuff to fix when you move into a new house. The guy who installed their dishwasher forgot to remove the plug from one of the drains so that had to be rectified, along with a shed in the back yard that had no door. The evaporative cooling system worked great until around 100 degrees F: I reckon that would be about 7 A.M. And last but not least, ants were filing into the house to investigate Dorothy’s food dish. Dorothy, aka Dot, is their dog, in case you were wondering.

There was a protracted debate around the deployment of tactical, military grade insecticide outside and inside the house. That was vetoed for health reasons. Boric acid powder was discussed but that wasn’t deployed either because the ants more or less lost interest and just gradually stopped investigating.

However, in the fashion of helpful Dads everywhere, and before the ant forays dwindled away, I made a helpful suggestion that Ty and Andrea (reminder: not their real names) might consider getting a pet anteater or maybe an armadillo, to hoover up any future insect invaders.

Sadly, there are no anteaters in New Mexico. So much for that suggestion.

Despite the anteater shortage, there are plenty of nine-banded armadillos in New Mexico but they typically live in bands of nine closely-knit animals and you only need one. Plus they don’t make great pets, having the dubious distinction of carrying leprosy. They like to dig and they can jump 3-4 feet in the air. People who DO have pet nine-banded armadillos say they are always jumping up on the kitchen counters. No one needs that. Or leprosy.

I guess that takes armadillos off the table (and counter).

After Ty (not his real name) debriefed me on the Ant Non-Problem, he happened to mention that he had recently come across a small horned toad (Not its real name: horned toads are properly called horned lizards: they just happen to look like toads.)

I thought that maybe a pet horned lizard could be a useful ally in case the ants ever returned, so I took one last stab at it and suggested Ty capture one and befriend it.

Turns out that you can tame various kinds of horned lizards and most of them eat ants so I thought my pet horned lizard suggestion was a winner. But which lizard to choose?

Since you asked, there are four horned lizard species in New Mexico:

Texas Horned Lizard (Phrynosoma cornutum) This lizard, known for its corny(!) jokes, is the State Lizard of Texas and the mascot of the Texas Christian University sports teams although they are calling their teams the Horned Frogs. Where are all the good Taxonomists when you need one?

Most of the time, the Texas Horned Lizard is docile. But if attacked by a coyote, rattlesnake, bird, NCAA linebacker or worse yet, an NFL linebacker, these lizards can shoot collimated jets of poisonous formic acid-laden blood from the corners of their eye sockets out as far as five feet or the line of scrimmage, whichever is closest.

Greater Short-Horned Lizard (Phrynosoma hernandesi) Is not a member of Planned Lizard Parenthood and gives birth to as many as 48 live babies in one go. This critter is another eye socket blood-shooter.

Round-tail Horned Lizard (Phrynosoma modestum) These lizards aren’t the Official Lizard of anything. They don’t have any spiny projections on their backs and they don’t have abdominal fringe scales like the other horned lizards. They don’t squirt blood from any locations on their body. They have nothing to brag about so they are very modest and unassuming: hence the modestum part of the species name.

Regal Horned Lizard (Phrynosoma solare) This lizard’s horns can make it look like it is wearing a crown. It always looks tanned. Like other horned lizards, it puffs up when its ego is threatened. It spews self-serving nonsense out of its mouth when questioned by Senator Rand Paul.

Editor’s Note: Watch out for fake horned lizard photos. They’re everywhere. Here’s a prime example:

During all this research, I was crestfallen to learn that all horned lizards are legally protected in New Mexico due to declining populations. You’re not even supposed to look at one sideways never mind pick it up and take it home: ant problem or not.

So much for my third and final ant-control suggestion.

Darren Vaughan is the communications director for the New Mexico Department of Game & Fish and says a main factor in the declining horned lizard population in the state’s major cities is population changes. “A lot of that is caused by like, people using poison on ants; which, if you poison the ants, that takes away one of the primary food sources for those horned lizards,” said Vaughan. He also notes that vehicle traffic is an issue for the horned lizard, along with being prey for feral cats and dogs.

I guess Ty and Andrea (real names or not) made the right choice after all, regarding their approach to Ant Problems.

Go Ty! Go Andrea! Go Dot! Go Taxonomists! Go New Mexico! Long live ants! Long live Science! Don’t mess with Texas and above all: don’t mess with Texas Horned Lizards!