Tag: woman and Q-tip

So.

Here at the Department of Pulling Random Blog Post Topics Out Of Thin Air, this post is about a week overdue. Sometimes I have a topic at hand but sometimes I don’t have the first clue what I’m going to write about. When this happens, I usually turn to Dave Barry’s blog for inspiration. He has a legion of followers and every day they send Dave links to unusual events. Dave then dutifully posts them. Invariably, one of the links will catch my attention and suddenly an idea swirls up from the murky depths of my subconscious, like a bubble of gas that suddenly rises from the decaying plant material that lies at the bottom of a swamp. Today was no exception.

Check this out: California serial butt sniffer Calese Carron Crowder arrested again

If you didn’t bother to follow the link, I’m quoting from it. Nobody could make this up:

“California resident Calese Carron Crowder, 36, was arrested Tuesday after he was captured on security cams crouching near a woman and sniffing her rear end in the women’s section of the Burbank Empire Center department store, according to the Burbank Police Department.…Crowder made national headlines in August 2023 after a viral TikTok video showed him sneaking up behind women at a Burbank Barnes & Noble and sniffing their derrières.

He was also arrested later that month for peeping into a family home in Glendale — and then released. Crowder has been arrested numerous times for this behaviour and has also made himself a nuisance at local dog parks.”

I may be lying about the dog parks but it wouldn’t surprise me if it’s true. I’m a serial dog owner and both of my male dogs immediately sniffed the nether regions of every dog they happened to encounter, male or female.

Why do they do this?

I reckon it’s information gathering. Plain and simple. Dogs reputedly can smell thousands of times better than humans. Who knows what kind of information they’re gathering from their canine acquaintances?

Information about food? Is there a dead badger in the vicinity? What was for dinner last night? The badger? Can I have some?

Dead badgers aside, there’s little doubt that this canine bum-sniffing is providing information on reproductive status. Open for business? Closed until next Tuesday? Chapter 11 aka permanently closed thanks to the vet? Does this dog I’m sniffing have a headache?

So many questions…

The other thing that my dog, Sarge, likes to do is lick and sniff inside the ears of all the dogs he runs into.

I’m pretty sure I know what’s up with the ear-probing; Sarge is gathering more information on the overall health of the probee. (I might have made that word up.)

It turns out that the nethermost bodily aperture aka NBA isn’t the only source of information that is available. I swear on the medical license of famous Canadian Internist, spelunker and part-time welder, Sir William Osler MD RIP, that I am not making up the following newsflash. (I checked and omitting a period after each letter in acronyms like RIP is OK.) Not that I’m nitpicking. Or being anally-retentive.

Nitpicking and anal retentiveness aside, let’s hear what cardiologist Mauricio Waingarten MD PhD has to say. (I checked and it’s OK to not hyphenate nitpicking, again, not that I’m nitpicking.)

Editor’s Note: You have to watch these MD PhD types. Most of them are nitpicky and anally retentive, not to mention borderline crazy.

Dang it! I keep digressing. Here’s an interesting tip pertaining to earwax: or maybe a Q-tip. (Sorry. I couldn’t resist.)

A small sample of earwax/aka cerumen can provide valuable insights into health. A novel assay called the cerumenogram has been developed to measure trace amounts of volatile molecules given off by the sample. This facilitates the detection of various conditions, including cancer, a tendency toward early voting in Federal Elections, neurologic diseases, habitual use of Particle Face Cream For Men and other metabolic disorders such as diabetes, refusing to put ice cubes in your drinking water and peppering your prose with blatant falsehoods.

Who knew?

Anyway, time to wrap this up. All this business about gathering information makes me think of the old proverb:

“The man who tooteth not his own horn, that same horn shall remain untooted. The dog who smelleth not his neighbour’s bum, nor probeth not his neighbour’s ear canals, that same dog shall remain untutored. The woman who stayeth the hell out of California, stayeth the hell out of Nordstrom’s and giveth Barnes and Noble a wide berth, that same woman’s derriere shall remain unsniffed.”