I’ve had the following conversation with various children (most of them mine) at least fifty times over the last fifteen years. Maybe you have too. Not sure why you’d be talking to my kids but I’m not going to nit-pick. Let’s just get going in the interests of saving time.
Imagine that your kid is strolling toward the front door…
You: Where are you going?
Your kid: The mall.
You: The mall? Which one? Market Mall? Chinook? Heritage? Last time I checked there were approximately thirty-seven malls in Calgary.
Your kid: Long sigh followed by eye-rolling and a pause… We’re going to CrossIron Mills.
You: OK, great. Have fun and remember: clarity of speech is a virtue. And while you’re at it, don’t forget that iconic American riverboat pilot-turned iconic American silver miner-turned iconic American author Samuel Langhorn Clemens once said: ” The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and lightning bug.”
As an aside, one of the other things that Clemens said was, “What in the heck ever possessed me to start hanging out with Nikola Tesla?”
I swear on my Model S that this is not a phony picture. They were besties. Tesla may even have helped Clemens invent a wireless moustache trimmer.
Anyway… I might have been at the mall searching for a copy of The Electrifying Adventures Of Mark Twain and Nikola Tesla (Who Needs Wires Anyway?) but I happened to detour into Time Capsules `R Us first. In case you haven’t noticed, there are a lot of pretty cool time capsules for sale these days.
Who would have ever thought that some day there would be an entire store devoted to selling time capsules? But there it was, right next to World Of Paperclips.
And there I was, confronted by all these time capsules, so I started thinking about what the heck I would put in one. Specifically, what could I put in a time capsule that would give our descendants a really clear picture of what we were like?
The answer came to me immediately: I could make a detailed analysis of a random issue of the Hammacher-Schlemmer catalogue and stick THAT in the time capsule. From the detailed analysis, our descendants will get an unvarnished picture of what we were like.
For example, they might conclude that many of us retired to Florida (before most of it went underwater) where we proceeded to obsess over our health-and also thank our lucky stars that we decided to buy stock in FedEx and UPS.
Since I had too much time on my hands I decided to perform that detailed analysis. And here it is:
DETAILED ANALYSIS OF THE 2019 HAMMACHER SCHLEMMER SUMMER SUPPLEMENT
I identified 24 categories of health-related products plus this kick-ass kite which I felt deserved an honorable mention.
From all the other non-kite-related categories, I concluded that:
(a) Our feet are a big issue for us-I catalogued 31 products related to foot problems (neuropathy, swelling, plantar fasciitis and general comfort), some of them spring-loaded!
(b) Our eyesight and hearing are terrible-30 offerings related to vision-mostly glasses, lamps and voice-clarifiers/amplifiers
(c) Joint problems are rampant-I noted 22 items including massagers (some of them laser-assisted!), heating pads, braces, and a small masseuse named Hector.
(d) Collectively, we worry too much about our lips, sagging skin, toenails, faces, teeth and last-but-not-least our sinuses-13 gadgets total
(e) We are lousy sleepers-the tally included 12 beds, mattresses, wedges, toppers, and a lounger
Well that was instructive, but I feel like I should get back to looking for that book I mentioned and I know you probably have better things to do too. One of the other things on my list is doing something about those darned kids who keep sneaking into my pool. Maybe Hammacher Schlemmer can help…
The Department of Lateral Thinking 
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