Today, in the Department Of Overstatement And Also Stating The Obvious, I am impelled to tell you about a video clip of US Vice President Kamala Harris that resurfaced recently. In it, she recounted events leading up to the May 2020 history-making first manned commercial spaceflight, which carried Bob and Doug McKenzie to the International Space Station. Here’s The Mission:
And here are the astronauts:
Ooops! No wait! I got confused! Those aren’t astronauts. They’re the Canadian toque-wearing hosers Bob and Doug McKenzie, who made history in 1981 by performing the first rendition of The Twelve Days of Christmas to feature back bacon in its lyrics. (And toques.)
Here are the astronauts: Bob Behnken and Doug Hurley.
And here are some definitions:
Trust me. This may all begin to make sense. Soon.
I embedded the Kamala video clip in this post a few days ago when I started writing it. When I reopened the draft this morning, I got this message where the clip was supposed to be:
So weird. You would almost think YouTube (owned by Google) is censoring content! Probably it’s just a mistake. Because you know, there’s supposed to be this thing called the First Amendment. Anyway, since you asked, you might be able to find the video here: https://www.foxnews.com/video/6319561764112
However, in case THAT clip also gets taken down accidentally, all is not lost. I found it on Twitter (not owned by Google) and transcribed a chunk of Kamala’s soliloquy word for word. I also grabbed some video frames for emphasis. Evidently I have a lot of time on my hands.
But here goes. Remember to brace for impact.
“…which brings me to May 30, 2020. Bob and Doug returned to the Kennedy Space Center. They suited up. (Pauses to execute elbow-tuck fist-bump).
“They waved to their families. (Demonstrates)
“And they rode an elevator up nearly 20 stories. (Points skyward)
“They strapped into their seats (pause) and they waited as the tanks beneath them filled with tens of thousands of gallons of fuel. (Points at audience and mentally says to herself, ‘You think I’m kidding, don’t you? I’m deadly serious. We need electric rockets. Now.’)
“And then (pregnant pause…) they launched (said in a half whisper)!
“Yes they did! (cackles exuberantly and points to the audience)
“Millions of Americans watched that day: in the hills, the sand dunes, Cape Canaveral, in living rooms, dorm rooms, classrooms across our Nation. We watched Bob and Doug’s rocket ride from the launchpad. We watched it climb into the sky and then, disappear from our view.”
What you have just read is what I call Kamalasplaining or K-splaining for short. It’s a way of stating the obvious in terms that a newly-hatched marine iguana could understand. It feels patronizing. It’s dramatic and eldritch. Or maybe dramatically eldritch. There’s repetition of a theme. Appendages are involved. And whispering. It’s just weird. It’s almost like the speaker is disseminating some crucial knowledge that they have only learned just minutes before gaining the podium. Or maybe there’s a private joke in there somewhere that only they know. Or maybe it’s drugs.
Anyway, to inject some scientific rigor into this post, I put together a short checklist to help you determine if you have been K-splained.
Instructions: Tick all the boxes that you feel might apply. If you don’t have a dog, substitute a parrot, or maybe a marine iguana. Apparently they make great pets. Anyway, count the ticks. Three or more ticks means that there is a strong probability that you have been K-splained.
May all your explanations be coherent and may all your schoolbuses be yellow. Just ask Kamala to explain why.
P.S. I’ll leave you to consider this little gem. Long live Twitter!
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