Prostate Blues

Here in The Department of Secretory Organs, the prostate gland has been at the top of my list lately. Being the proud owner of Y chromosomes, both I and my dog, Sarge, happen to have a prostate. To be clear, each of us has their own prostate.

I’ll get to Sarge presently but I feel like a review of the prostate is in order:

Size: In males aged 20-40, the prostate is about the size of a walnut or a smallish strawberry whereas the prostate in older men aged 40 to 60 is more plum-sized. Over the age of 60, the prostate can be compared to a lemon. After I read that, and knowing it was a long shot, I searched “walnut, plum and lemon” and found this image of a buffet desert offered at the annual conference of the American College of Urologists and Pomologists. Motto: “We’re really into fruit. And nuts.”:

Purpose: Secrete prostatic fluid which contributes to the secretions from the testicles. Contains nutrients enabling the sperm to swim longer and faster.

Location: The prostate is cozied up right underneath the bladder and also at the base (or root) of the penis. This explains why urologists often insert one of their index fingers into the Nethermost Bodily Aperture (NBA for short) of their male patients to figure out what kind of fruit or nut is growing in the metaphorical “Prostatic Orchard.”

I can’t quite make out the caption beneath the probing finger of this disembodied, ghostly hand. It’s Rectal something or other. Maybe Rectal Poltergeist? I hate it when that happens.

Who’s In Charge?: The diagram below explains that the brain is connected to the kidney and bladder but also raises the question of which head does most of the thinking: the big one or the little one.

Signs of an Enlarged Prostate: Signs include squirming uncomfortably, wearing rubber boots, and never straying more than 10 yards from a toilet, urinal or stand of trees. Lemon, plum, walnut. Take your pick.

Happily, at the age of 68, my prostate is doing OK. So far, I’m not wearing rubber boots. My serum Prostate-Specific Antigen (PSA) level is low. Note that PSA could also stand for: “Doc, Please Skip Assessment” (i.e. rectal exam).

Sadly, at the age of four years and nine months, Sarge isn’t so lucky. He had developed an enlarged, inflamed prostate containing cysts which would occasionally bleed and contribute blood into his urine. We knew this was coming as we were unable to breed him due to an irregularity of his right elbow on X-rays taken when he turned two. (Clean hip and elbow X-rays taken at two years of age are mandatory for “officially sanctioned breeding”.)

Prostatic congestion/enlargement most likely arises if the “swamp” isn’t regularly drained. Sarge’s swamp definitely wasn’t, although he always seemed hopeful, looking for love in all the wrong places and never buying anybody dinner. I called it “pining for the fiords”. (Courtesy of Monty Python)

Ultimately, we decided to have Sarge neutered. If he had been left untreated, he would most likely have continued to bleed and eventually he would have ended up with urinary obstruction and fecal obstruction.

Sarge came through the operation without incident: so far, he doesn’t seem fazed by his missing twins. He’s the same happy, dopey boy he always was. Also, his spirits were buoyed by the receipt of this thoughtful greeting card sent to him by my wife’s coworkers.

There’s an old adage about running with scissors, namely: “It’s only fun until someone loses an eye”.

I’m going to wind this up by paraphrasing that adage:

“Celibacy is only OK until someone develops an enlarged prostate and loses their testicles.”

Next post: How to avoid gritting your teeth when someone starts talking about their enlarged prostrate. Don’t take it lying face down.