Several weeks before Christmas, the morning temperature here in Calgary was dipping well down into the minus double digits. (Calgary Civic Motto: “The temperature here in Calgary often dips well down into the minus double digits. We call this “double dipping”. In our defense we must remind you that we get more days of sunshine than any other city in Canada, except Medicine Hat and Lethbridge. And we also don’t need the Hubble telescope to see the mountains. So. Take that, Lethbridge and Medicine Hat.”)
At the same time, as we were enjoying this double-dipping and also the sunshine, I noticed that the low coolant light in my wife’s aging-but-well-preserved Range Rover Sport began to light up when the engine was started in the mornings. The light would go off after a few minutes of driving, once the Rover warmed up. I reckoned that the issue would resolve when the double-dipping stopped.
Coolant indicator light aside, we also noted that our Bernese Mountain Dog, Sarge, was developing Grinch feet; all four paws were starting to look like they belonged to Jim Carrey.
This was a fairly dire situation because we were going away for Christmas and Sarge was going to stay with a friend of Jeanette’s while we were away. Jeanette wanted Sarge to be presentable. I think there might be mention of this in the Bible and it probably goes like this: “If thou art a woman, thou shalt not drop off thy dog for boarding at another woman’s house if thy dog hath full-on Grinch Feet or incipient Grinch Feet, and especially if there is a significant probability that thy dog might appeareth in that other woman’s Christmas photos.”
Clearly, grooming was unavoidable.
I secretly hoped that our groomer, inconveniently located in the historic town of Okotoks, a few miles south of Calgary, wouldn’t have any slots available before Christmas and I would be able to weasel out of a grooming run.
(Note: Okotoks Motto: “Historic Past, Sustainable Future, Bernice Mountain Dogs Welcome, Grinch-Feet or Not. P.S. Also, our motto is way shorter than Calgary’s stupid motto.”)
Fast forward to the Saturday before Christmas when a last-minute grooming slot opens up, I find myself preparing to head out to Okotoks. At the same time Jeanette is just finishing a conversation with a fellow named Mike, in the Jaguar Land Rover (JLR) service department. Mike tells Jeanette that most likely the level of coolant fluid in the radiator overflow reservoir is a bit low and all we need to do is add no more than a cup of fluid. Mike specifies that we use “pink or orange” coolant but doesn’t tell Jeanette what brand to use.
I leave, feeling a bit mystified but also visualizing fluids of various colors. I proceed uneventfully to Okotoks, dropping Sarge off and proceeding to Canadian Tire. The only coolant brand they have is Prestone in an opaque yellow plastic jug. I want to ask the guy at the Automotive Service desk if he knows what color the Prestone is but there are a bunch of people waiting. They probably want to ask him the same question. I decide to call JLR myself and wind up talking to a guy whose name I can’t remember so I’ll call him Jake.
“Jake” tells me that you can’t mix just any coolant with the OEM coolant that’s in the radiator. I tell Jake that Mike simply said that we could add pink or orange coolant. I’m still thinking about the color of the liquid. I ask Jake what brands of coolant are pink or orange. He doesn’t know but tells me that if I come by the JLR dealership (3 days journey on horseback) they will be happy to top the coolant up for us. I feel like things shouldn’t have to be this complicated so I hang up and leave Canadian Tire feeling somewhat peevish.
I stew on this for bit and then decide to call JLR again and this time I get Mike on the line. I reiterate to him that he told Jeanette to use pink or possibly orange coolant but Jake says we should definitely use the OEM brand. Mike says I don’t have to use the OEM stuff. Then he says, “DO NOT USE GREEN under any circumstances.” I’m still thinking of the color of the liquid and also thinking to myself: whaaaat? Is green coolant hypergolic? Will it explode on contact with the OEM coolant? Like a rocket engine?
So many unanswered questions.
Anyway, I ask Mike if I should just go to a gas station/convenience store and get some pink (or possibly orange) coolant. He says go for it, so I go to the nearest gas station. They only have one brand, which is in an opaque black jug, on display in a rack outside the store, so I don’t know what color its contents are. I’m seeing a pattern develop here, but I press on.
I take the black jug inside, show it to the kid at the counter and ask him if he knows what color the liquid is. He draws a blank.
I take the jug back outside open it, unscrew the cap, break the seal and pour some of the coolant into the cap. The coolant looks yellow enough but when I empty the cap into the snow, it now looks more greenish than yellow. At least it didn’t explode on contact but I am now paralyzed by indecision.
I ponder my next move for a few seconds, then shrug. If I put the jug back on the rack and someone else buys it they are going to be cheesed off when they find out it’s been opened. The kid at the counter might get some undeserved grief. (No one wants undeserved grief, or hypergolic liquids, for that matter. ) I take the high road, go back in the store and buy it – the yellowish-green coolant – not the store.
I tell the kid what I’ve been going through and that I’m most likely going to go to the JLR dealer. I also tell him I’m convinced that a Range Rover has the ability to read your mind, discern your intent, scan your credit card and bill a service charge to your card before you even set foot in the dealership door. This is known as a Pre-Service Charge and is a lot like Pre-Crime in that movie, Minority Report, starring Tom Cruise. In the movie people were arrested while they were still just thinking about committing a crime. I can’t remember if there was any sprinting involved.
At this point, you might be wondering how my coolant problem was resolved.
So read on.
Sarge was groomed. I picked him up. His paws were sleek and trim. We drove back to Calgary and went to another Canadian Tire store (Motto: We have way more coolant than that other store in Okotoks.) Sure enough, inside there was a vast forest of radiator coolant jugs to choose from. One brand, specifically intended for high end cars including Rovers, came with labels in nine colors. I suddenly realize that the service guys were talking about the colors of the labels not the liquids. I also suddenly realize that having a PhD in Chemistry can lead to overthinking the problem.
Here are the labels:
Green was conspicuously absent.
I chose purple.
Merry Belated Non-explosive Christmas!
The Department of Lateral Thinking 