Cheese Debate Gone Wrong

I’m pretty sure that you don’t care, but I’m about three weeks overdue in writing this post. Instead of wasting time thinking up an intro line such as: “Here in the Department of Thinking About How to Defend Yourself From An Attacker Armed With A Banana…” or “Here in the the Department Of Never Knowing When It’s A Good Time To Switch Back To Summer Tires Because It’s Been Known To Snow Every Day Of The Year Here In Alberta…”, I’m just going to dive in.

Not that I’m splitting hairs, but about a week ago, on May 15, 2024, at 9:22:41 AM Eastern Standard Time, an article appeared in the National Post entitled:

Man wielding a ‘block of cheese’ attacks Newfoundland officer

Note: I may have taken some artistic liberties with the following narrative…

“St. John’s, Newfoundland police have laid charges on a man who attacked an officer investigating a domestic disturbance call, according to a press release:

 Apparently the man and his wife had been enjoying a quiet evening of wine and cheese-tasting when they got into an acrimonious debate about whether making cheese from human breast milk was more ethically preferable than preparing it from the milk of endangered Serbian donkeys. Things got out of hand and the police were summoned.

Upon arrival, the officers encountered a very irate male who then assaulted one of them with ‘a large block of cheese,’ according to Staff Sgt. Justin Sottocenere Al Tartufo.

The assailant was arrested, charged with assault and cheese-battery and conveyed to the St. John’s lockup to await court. The type of cheese wielded in the attack was not mentioned.

Luckily, the officer who was attacked did not require medical attention but he was required to view the following video:

It turned out that the assailant was in breach of his probation, stemming from a previous charge of poking his neighbor in the ribs with a large salami during an argument over whether Sea-Fever was a better poem than The Rime of the Ancient Mariner.

Const. James “Horse-Cheese” Caciocavallo noted that the attack is an example of the unexpected challenges that law enforcement faces while on duty. Caciocavallo went on to say, “It just goes to show you that we can never let our guard down. It’s a darned good thing that none of us on the force are lactose-intolerant.”

Various authorities such as the Canadian Bureau of Cheese (CBC), the Royal Newfoundland Cheese Authority (RNCA), the Canadian Cheese Press (CCP) and the Dead Poets Society were contacted but refused to comment.“

Of course, clever wags on social media had no such reluctance and immediately chimed in:

Peter Barfoot commented on X by saying, “He assaulted the police with a block of cheese. I mean, how dairy!” Barfoot added that the man was “up to no gouda.”

User Lilith Nakamura mused about the attack posting, “What got him so cheesed off?”

I wanted to stick my oar in with some puns of my own but was a bit stumped so I called up Tracy Marsden, a long-time friend of mine, an inveterate punster and basically an all-around terrific human being, for help. She wasn’t home so I left a message, hung up and resumed chewing on my problem. No pun intended.

Finally I came up with these quips:

“I’m sorry Officer. She just started to grate on my nerves.”

“Good thing this didn’t happen in the U.S. The Feta-ral Bureau of Investigation might have been called in.”

I swear on the sex tape of famous American media personality, businesswoman, socialite and hecto-millionairess, Paris Stilton, that I am am not making up any of what happened next:

No sooner did I receive my cheesepun inspiration, Tracy texted me saying, “Funnily enough, I was out buying cheese when you left a message but I can’t think of a relevant pun for this cheese.”

As proof that her text wasn’t cheese misinformation, she included this photo:

P.S. Next post: More food-related squabbling!

“My sister wants my daughter to pay for 2-week-old cake she ate while babysitting.“