Calico Critters,etc.

Warning: Long intro alert!

I went with my daughter last week, to a pretty excellent toy store called Monkey Mountain, conveniently located in the town of Okotoks, Alberta. One of the other things that contribute to the general excellentness of Okotoks is the imaginatively-named Big Rock, a glacial erratic boulder sitting in a field west of Okotoks. The Big Rock is conveniently located near the foothills of the Canadian Rockies.

But that’s not my point. My point is that my daughter and I both got a little giddy marveling at the vast cornucopia of toys in that store, including the usual suspects such as Lego, Playmobil, cat-sized shark oufits (after all, who doesn’t want to dress their cat in a shark outfit?), cont…

…Roombas (after all, who doesn’t want to plop their cat on a Roomba after it (the cat) has been clothed in a shark outfit?), cont…

…miniature particle accelerator kits, dredging equipment, fiendishly-complex, dinky DIY dollhouse room kits and so forth.

Shark-themed cat outfits aside, it was the Calico Critters that really caught my eye and accordingly, I felt like I should bring alert readers up to speed. If you like fiendishly-dinky DIY dollhouse room kits you will love the Calico Critters.

Note that the Calico Critters is not a new type of infectious disease. Or a country music band.

So what ARE the Calico Critters? Great question!

From the official Calico Critters site:

“Calico Critters is not a new type of infectious disease. It is a line of miniature animal figures, with homes, furniture and accessories. The animal figures are unique because they are made of a special flocked material that gives them an endearing quality. They were introduced in Japan in 1985 and are distributed worldwide. Calico Critters are sold as families, with Mothers and Fathers, sisters, brothers and babies. The Mothers have a total fertility rate (TFR) of exactly two. We don’t know why we capitalized “Mothers” and “Fathers”, neglecting “sisters, brothers and babies”. Also, we realized after this went to press, that “babies” was redundant. Anyway, the Critter’s homes and furniture are quite life-like and have incredible detail. The Critters live in the community of Calico Village. All the citizens in Calico Village have hobbies and jobs. None of them are criminals. The underlying theme is giving, friendship, Marxism and happiness. Calico Critters are wholesome, never trendy.“

Full disclosure: I lied about the Marxism but not the TFR. For example, here is the Milk Rabbit Family with a TFR of two.

There are hundreds of different conventional animals in the Calico Critter Universe (CCU): cows, sheep, armadillos, husky dogs, pickleweed hedgehogs, latte cats, marshmallow mice, goats, deer ticks, not to mention whales, bears, meerkats, shoebill cranes, giraffes, reindeer, Tasmanian Devils, sloths, platypuses, etc. Good thing they’re not all in the same family.

Yet, that would be quite the family. Talk about diversity, equity and inclusion!

To house these Critters, various cottages, starter homes, forts, abattoirs, beauty salons, antebellum mansions, treehouses, castles, arks and termite mounds are available. And don’t forget that the critters need cars, RVs, tandem bikes, canoes and mobile horizontal drilling platforms to get around. It’s kind of like Barbie all over again, except with flocking. And maybe whiskers. Possibly, also hard hats.

See? This is just a small glimpse of the 2024 offering:

This all seems very impressive but I have a few lingering questions. For example: What exactly is flocking?

According to flockit.com (not making this up), flocking is the application of millions of tiny fibers onto an adhesive-coated surface to create a velvet-like texture. Flocking is commonly used for fake Christmas Tree snow, as a lining for jewelry boxes, as a coating for fake plastic fruit and also for those dachshunds with the bobbing heads that people place on the back dashes of their cars, to unnerve people who follow too closely.

And what exactly are Milk Rabbits? Do they have teats? If so, where? What does the milk taste like? Does it taste like flax seeds maybe?

How can Calico Village have zero unemployment? Not everybody was Kung Fu fighting and not everybody has a job. Honestly.

Lastly, I found the “Wholesome, never trendy” statement a bit dubious.

Defense Lawyer: “Your Honor, I submit that the Calico Critters are NOT trendy.”

Judge, spluttering: “Are you kidding me? These things are totally trendy. They’re collectable. They’re expensive. And endless. Melissa and Doug have nothing on these Critters. “

Defense Lawyer: “But Your Honor, trendy is typically defined as short-lived, ephemeral, fleeting. It’s 2024. These things have been around since 1985. That’s almost forty years. They’re disgustingly wholesome: they all have jobs: their TFR is replacement-level. They have nice furniture. They’re anti-trendy. They’re like…I dunno. They’re like…Amish or something.

Plus Your Honor, check out this excerpt from their Brand Statement:

…The Calico Critters brand has won several awards, including the Oppenheim Toy Portfolio Platinum Award. Adorable new families and environments continue to be introduced every year, and Calico Village remains a magical world of imagination for collectors of all ages.”

Judge: “Did you say Platinum or Plutonium?”

Well, at this point, I think I’ve said pretty much everything I wanted to say about the CCU. If you have any lingering questions of your own, go check out 25 Fascinating Facts About Calico Critters: The Definitive Guide :

The answer to Question 11 is definitely NOT Plutonium.

P.S. Note that Question 25 is not a question. It’s a statement. Not that I’m splitting hairs. Or flocking.