Who is Ted L. Nancy?

So.

A couple of weeks ago, my friend Bob started talking about the Seinfeld TV show which initially aired back in the early nineties. Eventually I had to ‘fess up and sheepishly disclose to him that I had only seen one episode of Seinfeld when it was current-the one in which Kramer decided to live in his shower.

When “Bob” regained consciousness, after passing out from sheer incredulity, he strongly opined that I absolutely had to watch all 169 episodes, as they were bordering on comedic genius. Not to mention running jokes.

Many years ago I read a book while on a ski vacation with my family. It consisted of a compilation of these goofy and often hilarious letters that the author wrote to the mayors of various cities and towns, casinos, department stores, HR departments, the POTUS, you name it.

The letters were complete bullshit but lots of the recipients answered them with all sincerity. Sometimes chains of correspondence ensued. The only other things I remembered about the book was that there was a foreword written by Jerry Seinfeld. Speculation was rampant that Seinfeld himself may have been the author.

All this hullabaloo about Seinfeld stirred up my albeit fragmentary memories of that book, kind of like the cloud that is created when you poke a stick into the mud at the the bottom of a swamp. Nonetheless, I called up my oldest son, Drew, and asked him if he remembered the book. He vividly remembered us giggling about it but also drew a blank on the title. He does know how to use Google though and minutes later he emailed me with: “Letters From A Nut by Ted L. Nancy.”

Kids these days.

Turns out that Ted. L Nancy is a pseudonym used by a fellow named Barry Marder. Marder, a successful stand-up comic in his own right, has worked with many comedians including Bill Maher, Jay Leno, David Letterman and Jerry Seinfeld. 

There’s an extensive Wikipedia entry about Barry and lots of video clips and a bookstore at his site: https://www.tedlnancy.com/about/. He is a prolific and extremely witty writer. Who knows? Maybe there are people you know who would like one of his books as a gift! Just saying. (Also, Barry is not paying me to write this. I have never met the man.)

Without further ado, here are a few samples of Letters From A Nut.

TOPPS BASEBALL CARD COMPANY

President

One Whitehall Street

New York, NY 10004

Jan 13, 1996

Dear Topps Baseball Card President,

I have a valuable which I would like to donate to the great Topps Card Company because you stand for an American baseball institution. As a boy, I flipped your cards for hours.

In 1960, I was an employee of a hotel in Miami Beach, Florida where Mr. Mickey Mantle was staying. About two in the afternoon, I was summoned to Mr. Mantle’s room to deliver room service to him. He ordered an egg salad sandwich and an ice tea. I’ll never forget it as long as I live. As I was setting up the room service tray, I noticed Mr. Mantle clipping his toenails. I watched out of the corner of my eye as he clipped every toe. He had trouble with the last nail but eventually his diligence paid off.

At that moment, the telephone rang and Mr. Mantle was called from his room. He told me to leave the egg salad sandwich and he would eat it later. I’ll never forget his words for the rest of my life. He left the room. I dropped to the carpet and secured all the toenails that had been clipped off. There are almost ten toenails. Nine and some shavings but a full set.

I would like to donate this collectible to your card company. You have made children of all ages very happy. Perhaps this valuable could even be put on a card. They collect everything else! I think that Mr. Mantle was a great player. These toenails should be enjoyed by his millions of fans. Any time you can see something directly off a celebrity, that is better than any picture or autograph. This is something truly from his body. Please write me and tell me who I should send this gift to for donation.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Ted L. Nancy

———————————————————————————————–

March 12, 1996

Ted L. Nancy

560 North Moorpark Road #236

Thousand Oaks, CA 91360

Dear Mr. Nancy:

Si Berger, of the Topps Baseball Card Company, forwarded your letter of January 13th to the Hall of Fame and my attention. We are very interested in your story of the Mickey Mantle toenails, and how you obtained them in Miami Beach in 1960 while delivering room service.

This is a fascinating tale, and we would like to know more about the condition of the nails, and what shape they are in. We have an Accessions Committee which meets periodically to review potential donations to the Hall, and we would be most interested in knowing more about the toenails and why you wish to offer them to the museum. If it is possible to send us a picture or the nails, we would be interested in examining them before we reach any decision.

Thank you for thinking of the historical importance of these items, and attempting to place them in an institution where they will be saved for future generations to enjoy.

Sincerely,

Peter P. Clark

Registrar

National Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum, Inc.

25 Main Street,

P.O. Box 590

Cooperstown, New York

13326-0590

(607) 547-7200 Fax (607) 547-2044

———————————————————————————————–

FLAMINGO HILTON HOTEL & CASINO

Reservation Desk

3555 Las Vegas Blvd South

Las Vegas, NV

89109

January 12, 1996

Dear Flamingo Hotel Reservations,

I am interested in checking in to your hotel the week of February 26th. I have heard that your hotel is very hospitable to its guests; especially gamblers and card players. I am both! I have a situation which I would like to address prior to my visit. I have lucky clothes which I like to gamble in. I will be dressed as a shrimp. That is a reddish, veiny body outfit with a brittle curved fantail. The top of my head will be hardish and crunchy and have tartar sauce on it. (Not real!) I will wear orangish foam shoes that match the rest of the outfit.

This is my lucky clothing that I have gambled in before. (Mostly European cruises). I feel comfortable in this outfit and relaxed. I know Flamingo goes out of its way to please their gamblers. Even if they are in shrimp outfits. Please let me know if the February 26th date is OK for me to check in, then come down to the casino and gamble dressed as a shrimp? Thanks.

I am making my travel plans now, so I must know if the week of the 26th is confirmed. It is my vacation time. I need to relax. Thank you very much for getting back to me on this.

Sincerely,

Ted L. Nancy

———————————————————————————————–

Ted L. Nancy

560 North Moorpark Road

Townhome #236

Thousand Oaks, CA

91360

Dear Mr. Nancy:

Thank you very much for your letter of January 12, expressing an interest in staying with us at the Flamingo Hilton in Las Vegas. It is our goal, as you state in your letter, to be hospitable to our guests and make their visit one that they will remember. It is very important to us that our guests feel comfortable and relaxed during their stay; however, regarding your request to gamble in shrimp attire, we feel that because of the high level of activity created by the outfit, it might be too distracting.

If you feel that you would like to visit us and would be able to relax and gamble in street attire, we would be very happy to host you on your upcoming vacation. Again, Mr. Nancy, thank you very much for your correspondence, it was a pleasure to hear from you.

Sincerely,

Christopher Abraham

Director of Casino Marketing

Flamingo Hilton Las Vegas

———————————————————————————————–

HIGHLIGHTS FOR CHILDREN MAGAZINE

Submissions Department

2300 West 5th Ave

PO Box 16278

Columbus, OH

43216

Dear Submissions Department,

I have a freckle on my back, that when I stretch, looks like Anthony Quinn. I would like to sell my back as part of a magazine article. People love to look at my freckles. Should I send in the picture of my back for your magazine? Obviously I can’t sell my back. Can I?

I have a few other freckles on my arm and a mole that when bunched together kinda looks like Richard Gere. When not bunched, Andy Griffith. If I brush the gray hair over the mole it looks like Gere. No gray hair: Andy Griffith. As I look at it now in the light, it looks like Andy Griffith.

Do you want to see it for your magazine? It would look good on your “fun” page.

Who should I send the pictures to? Everyone always asks me to show them my freckles and moles. (And blemishes). The doctor said with age, as the freckle bleaches out, it could look like Dick Van Patten.

I really enjoy your magazine. I am a long time reader. This is just a fun thing with these freckles. So, please let me know if I should send in a picture of my back and arms for your magazine.

Thanks very much.

Sincerely,

Ted L. Nancy

———————————————————————————————–

Ted L. Nancy

560 North Moorpark Road Townhome #236

Thousand Oaks, CA

91360

February 29, 1996

Dear Mr. Nancy,

Thank you for proposing to send pictures of your freckles to Highlights . Based on their descriptions in your query, we feel that they would not meet Highlights’ needs at this time. We appreciate your interest in Highlights for Children.

Sincerely,

The Editors

Highlights For Children Magazine

Well, enough of Ted L. Nancy for now. I need to get back to Seinfeld. I just watched Episode #114.

Only 55 more to go.