How To Psychoanalyze An Entire Country: Part II

Well, here we are in Part II and as threatened, I’m going to discuss more Official State Attributes including, Buckminsterfullerenes (aka Buckyballs), Dessert, Fly-Fishing Flies, Glacial Erratics and Marsupials. Don’t be mislead into thinking that I’m going to start by taking a swing at Buckyballs though. Instead, I’m angling for a few laughs by starting with the Humuhumunukunukuapua`a, aka Triggerfish aka the Official State Fish of Hawaii. This fish really had to swim upstream to secure that perch.

First of all, the literal translation of Humuhumunukunukuapua`a is “Triggerfish with a snout like a pig” or maybe “fish that snorts like a pig.” So my first question is: do they snort underwater?” Apparently they do, according to Wendy Laros, blogger, manta ray enthusiast and scuba diving teacher. This is good to know. I don’t have a second question.

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Intermission

Tap your heels together three times, then say to yourself:

“Hoo-moo-hoo-moo-noo-koo-noo-koo-ah-poo-ah-ah”

“Hoo-moo-hoo-moo-noo-koo-noo-koo-ah-poo-ah-ah”

“Hoo-moo-hoo-moo-noo-koo-noo-koo-ah-poo-ah-ah”

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You didn’t wind up in Kansas? Better luck next time.

OK, where was I? The Humuhumunukunukuapua`a (Humuhumu for short) ran for State Fish back in 1984, submerged in a swirling current (!) of controversy because it wasn’t exclusive to Hawaii’s waters. After lengthy debate in Congress and with the support of a group of schoolchildren, the Humuhumu nosed (!) out its rival, the ‘O’opu ‘akupa, and was elected in 1985 but only on a 5-year trial basis because its name was so long and also due to rumors of election/public survey interference. I swear on a stack of Dominion Voting Machines that I am not making that up.

Sadly, its official status was allowed to lapse in 1990 but somebody forgot to tell the public.

Happily, sixteen years later, a 6-year old kid named Blake Oshiro learned that the Humuhumu had been swimming in metaphysical limbo, like Schrodinger’s Cat. Blake’s piscine angst somehow drew the attention of Chuck Johnson, editor of Hawaii Fishing News, who made some noise and eventually persuaded then-Governor Linda Lingle to somewhat reluctantly but permanently reinstate the Humuhumu on May 2, 2006.

Unsurprisingly, Blake Oshiro later went on to become a Hawaii State Representative (2001-2011). From 2011 until 2014, Blake then served as the Governor’s Deputy Chief of Staff with a specific oversight brief of all matters pertaining to policy, the state executive budget, the State Fish, the State Extinct Volcano and the State Garden Gnome.

Enough already about the HumuHumu. Below there is a small but intriguing Venn Diagram which depicts the Marsupial Attribute Family. It’s not really a family though, as North Carolina is the only State with an Official Marsupial. The question you should be asking yourself at this point is, “Then why the hell did he bother to make a Venn diagram?”

Be patient. I’m about to explain.

In 1992, the State of Georgia declared that Pogo was the State Possum. (Yes, a possum is definitely a marsupial along with koalas, wombats, quokkas, kangaroos, wallabies, Tasmanian devils, and Crash bandicoots.) The main problem with this is that Pogo isn’t/wasn’t an animal: he was the opossum star of the socially and politically satirical Pogo comic strip drawn by Walt Kelly from 1948 to 1975. So Pogo the cartoon character is more like a virtual marsupial if you ask me: hence the diagram.

I reckon that Pogo the cartoon character should have been the State Art and Drama Symbol of Georgia, not the State Possum. Plus Possum is a little slangy. The least Georgia could have done was make Pogo the State Virtual Opossum. Not to split hairs or anything.

The second concern I have is that the Pogo cartoon was set in the Okefenokee Swamp in Florida so I’m not sure why Georgia felt like it had the right to do anything with Pogo the Virtual Opossum. I don’t feel that sorry for Florida though because it has a State Marine Mammal: the manatee. So nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah North Carolina AND Georgia.

in 2013 North Carolina unilaterally declared that the Virginia opossum was its State Marsupial. Quite frankly, if I If I was the State of Virginia I would have been a little miffed at this blatant Attribute Snitch.

The only real problem I can see though is that if you declare that you have a State Marsupial that implies that there might be other kinds of marsupials elsewhere in the US. There aren’t. All the other types of marsupials stayed in Australia where they were given cooler names like Quokka and Bandicoot.

Ranges of the Virginia Opossum

Per the map, it’s clear that the Virginia opossum can be found in many US States and has also weaseled its way into Canada. We should just call this critter by its other name, the North American Possum, and be done with it. Then we could move on to other pressing topics such as why Texas is the only State with a State Molecule (the Buckyball) and why only two States have a State Doughnut, one of which is technically not even a doughnut if you want my honest opinion.